Love on Lockdown: Navigating Romantic Relationships While Incarcerated

“Love on lockdown” isn’t just a catchy phrase—it’s a complex, emotional reality for those navigating romantic relationships from inside a prison cell.

Love. It’s a small, four-letter word, but anyone who’s had the chance to experience it firsthand knows there’s nothing small about the power it possesses. And it’s no different for someone who’s incarcerated, or for someone in a relationship with someone who’s incarcerated.

I’m mainly focusing on the romantic type of love, not the friends-and-family kind of love. I want to briefly address what it feels like to be in love on lockdown with a female, and a few of the pitfalls, the ups and the downs that come along with that relationship. As I can give the best insight from my personal experiences, that will be my springboard from where I speak.

Seventeen Years of Love on Lockdown—Gained and Lost

I’ve been incarcerated for the last 17 years. I have had plenty of women come in and out of my life. I’ve had women who have come and gone in weeks or months, and some who have been around the whole 17 years.

I know the majority of the naysayers will say, “What do so many women see in incarcerated men?” Contrary to public opinion, there are some damn good men who are locked up. Not every man in prison is trying to run a game, freeload, bullshit, or play around. However, I am a realist, so I must say that there are so many assholes who are trying to run a game, freeload, and bullshit until it’s hard for a woman to figure out who’s who. But if she’s lucky and picks one of the good ones, she’s got herself someone to grow with and who she can build a life with depending on the situation. Just like any other relationship, though, an incarcerated relationship takes a lot of hard work and dedication on both sides of the fence.

What gives incarcerated men an edge over the guys on the street is what most see as a weakness but is actually a strength: the fact that we have time. Time to actually cater to a woman’s mental, emotional, spiritual, and even financial side. The only thing we lack is being there physically. You would be surprised how effective a listening ear can be to a woman going through her day-to-day life, situations, and turmoils. It’s not always the big things that get a woman’s attention. The little things like being a good listener, remembering her likes and dislikes, remembering birthdays and special occasions all play a big part in building and growing a relationship. Giving good advice and being nonjudgmental are key components as well.

Choosing Loyalty Over Faithfulness in a Prison Relationship

As in all relationships, trust is a major factor when it comes to being involved with someone who is in the “free world” while you’re locked up. Knowing that women have physical needs, it’s up to the individuals in the relationship to dictate what they will and won’t allow in their relationship. I lean towards loyalty instead of faithfulness. I know that I have time to do, so it would be selfish of me to expect a woman to put her sexual needs on hold, knowing it would be years before I am able to satisfy her.

What I mean by loyalty over faithfulness is, don’t switch up or change on me just because you’re getting or want to get some dick. Write, accept my calls, be open and honest, be there for me, and keep our relationship growing. I know that sex is a major factor, but if two people really love and care for each other, they can come to some sort of agreement where both are happy and they can still have a flourishing relationship. Both parties have to be willing to be transparent about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions for things to go smoothly without anyone getting hurt.

Love on lockdown can be a beautiful thing, and when things are going good, it’s the best. But when things are going bad, it’s the worst. An open and honest dialogue between partners is a must in all relationships.

Protecting My Peace: Letting Go of Love for the Sake of Sanity

As I write this, I’m at a point where I’ve just had to take a break from a lover and a friend all in the same week. I’ve learned that you can’t put a price on peace and your peace of mind. So I made a hard decision to remove people who I love from my life to gain a better perspective because they disrupted my peace.

I gauge who stays and who goes by the following method: If a person causes more discord than peace, they have to go, no matter how much I love or care for them. If they don’t value and appreciate my presence in their life, I’ll remove myself from their life as well.

I’ve learned that life is too short for games, bullshit, and wasted time. As the old saying goes, what one won’t do, the next one will. There’s someone out there who will value you and appreciate you and will be damn happy to have you.

Regardless of me being incarcerated, I know my worth and refuse to settle for less than 100%. Prison can be a very dark and lonely place, but the right person can brighten up that place. The wrong person can make a dark place even darker by adding to your misery. You must be very careful with that four-letter word called love, especially on lockdown.

Want to read more? Check out A Prison Primer

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