Prison Advice About Relationships, Depression, and Staying Sane

Chris Dankovich, a lifer in Michigan, offers prison advice on romance, finances, and mental health.

Question: What’s some prison advice for dealing with depression?

Some people are in prisons of their minds, with higher walls than actual state penitentiaries. In this moment, we don’t always have power over our surroundings, or over our brain chemistry, but we do have a choice in how we perceive things. More than anything, this determines the quality of our life, whether we are free or inside a physical prison. I and many others I know have suffered from depression before coming to prison, as well as in prison. The difference came when I stopped focusing on what I didn’t have, surrendered to a higher power, and accepted my current place in life. (I still try to improve it though!) I haven’t been free in 20 years, but I have family and friends who choose to love me, write me, and sometimes visit me. I’ve been in life-threatening situations in prison, but today my worst enemy in here is boredom. My prison advice is to consider what you have that you’re grateful for. The people I know who are happiest in prison are those who participate in some form of group therapy, whether officially organized by the prison, as part of a religious group, or in unofficial get-togethers on the yard. (Yes, that’s a real thing!) I wish you could be part of one of these. You’d feel better! Barring that, find something similar near you. If it works for some of the most messed up people in prison, it’ll work for you.

Question: Do you have some prison advice for dealing with boredom?

The majority of people would rather choose to mildly electrocute themselves than be bored with nothing to do for 15 minutes. In prison, you go through days, weeks, months, and even years with nothing to do. 15 minutes? An hour? Toughen up. Sing your favorite song, review a problem you’re dealing with and think about solutions, or meditate. How are you going to personally or spiritually develop if you can’t handle a few moments without outward noise? If there’s people around, have a conversation! The people who remain sane in prison are the ones who have or develop social skills. My prison advice is to learn to talk to people. (Get rejected? So what? You might get a funny story out of it.)

Question: I just went through a breakup and I’m devastated. What do I do?

I know straight-up gangstas and thugs who put on some Taylor Swift when their special someone leaves them. She will loosen your tense heart strings. Don’t be afraid to cry. The toughest guys in the world cry when they break up. They may not let others see it, and they may not admit it for years or decades until they’re in a prison self-help group that a friend pressured them to take, but they do. My prison advice is to take a look at who you are. What matters to you? What do you want in life? What do you want in a partner? Just like getting locked up, you can pause and truly examine your life, or you can refuse to do so. The successful people I’ve known, in romance and in prison, choose the first option. There are going to be so many opportunities to meet someone new when the time is right. I mean, thousands of people in prison manage to find love. I’m not recommending dating one of them, but I’m trying to say that if they can do so, so can you!

Question: How do I make a long-distance relationship last?

Here’s some valuable prison advice: Treasure your lover or someone else will. Do you know why tens of thousands of women are currently in committed relationships with men in prison in the U.S.? Because these men listen. They pay attention. They make their woman feel appreciated, and make her the center of their world. They can’t buy her diamond necklaces, but they can write her poetry, send her homemade cards, paint her pictures. They remember birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. They cannot meet all physical desires, but they make sure every emotional need they can possibly fulfill is met. Sometimes the relationship still doesn’t work, but they give it their all. There are dozens of marriages conducted at the prison I’m at every year, and this is just one of over 3,000 prisons and jails in the U.S. If it’s meant to be, you can make it work. If thousands of convicts can do so, you can too!

Question: How is it that some lifers are able to be happy while so many people on the outside are miserable?

In prison, you have many miserable men and a few joyous men. Spend time around men who have spent a half-century in prison and are quadriplegic. It gives you perspective on what you have and don’t have. There are those who, no matter how much they have, cannot find even the smallest level of joy. I have razor wire, a goldfinch, a gun tower and a quite lovely sunset all going on outside my window. What do you think I focus on? What do you choose to see?

Want to read more? Check out Chris Dankovich Has A New Book On Amazon!!

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