Locked Up at 8: How Child Incarceration Shaped My Life Behind Bars

Marcellus Smith writes about how child incarceration shaped his life long before he ever stepped into an adult prison. 

A Childhood Behind Locked Doors

Growing up, I never had my mother or father in my life. I never met my father, and because my mother was using drugs while she was pregnant with me, I was taken away from her as an infant. I was never returned to her care, as she was always in and out of prison.

I was bounced around between family members from California to Oregon. Finally, at eight years old, I was arrested and spent two years in CYA (California Youth Authority, now called the Division of Juvenile Justice, DJJ).

I had already begun getting a taste of living behind locked doors—eating precooked meals with little flavor, having my movements controlled, and experiencing segregation. By the time I left that place, I had become accustomed to the structured environment and surroundings I had just left.

Maybe two years at that age wasn’t enough time to become institutionalized, but I found myself missing that place. After leaving, the idea of going back didn’t seem so bad. Add to that the fact that I was raised around gangs and drugs and carried anger and resentment from not knowing my parents, and you might understand why it was only a matter of time before I became a product of my environment.

Dreaming of Prison

As a youth, I grew up dreaming of going to prison. Now that I am in prison, I sit here and dream of the streets.

Some people will have difficulty believing that anyone could dream about coming to prison. But for those who have walked a mile in my shoes, you know what I’m talking about. It was always the older vatos who came back from prison walking with their chins up and their chests out, covered in tattoos, with a name and a voice that everyone in the neighborhood heard and respected.

Everybody has their heroes. These were ours.

Following those footsteps, drugs, gangs, and prison time soon became my life.

Life Inside

Prison, in general, is not a fun place. I’m in the federal prison system in maximum security. You basically do what you’re told when you’re told to do it. At the end of the day, you’re led back to your cage.

The food is no good. Violence is often the solution to most problems. The best thing you can do in here is mind your own business, keep your eyes and ears open, and keep your mouth shut.

I stay focused on the fact that I’ll be out soon.

Changing Direction

When I think back to those earlier moments when I used to dream about this life and compare them to where I am now, there are a few things I would have done differently.

At the end of the day, though, I have no regrets. I’m comfortable with who I am and everything I’ve had to go through to get here.

You don’t have to stop being a gang member, start dressing differently, or remove tattoos to start making better choices. Some people second-guess themselves or go through an identity crisis, but I’m not one of those people. I try to be realistic about things, especially when it comes to my goals.

This time in prison, I made a decision to separate myself from the norm and stop taking a victim stance or complaining about my circumstances. Instead, I started doing something about it.

I’ve been educating myself about my rights. I’ve studied economics and small business management and taken other classes to learn about resources available to me when I’m released. I’ve taken parenting classes to learn how to be the best father I can be to my six-year-old daughter.

I also lift weights and do cardio five days a week.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been to prison, but it’s the first time I’ve used this time to better myself physically and mentally. I’m coming home soon, and this is just a small glimpse into my prison experience—and how I’m already winning.

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Marcellus Smith is serving time in Federal prison in Pennsylvania. 

There’s another great story from Solitary Watch about a grown man in solitary confinement still haunted by his many months spent at the troubled CYA (California Youth Authority).

The post Locked Up at 8: How Child Incarceration Shaped My Life Behind Bars first appeared on Prison Writers.